Kiddushin 31: How to Honour One's Parents

The Gemara is clear about honouring our fathers above our mothers.  This is because the father is to be honoured by his children and by his wife.  In cases of divorced or widowed parents, however, children are to honour their mothers equally to their fathers.  This is because their mothers are no longer obligated to honour those men.

• If we cause our parents to suffer, even if only in private, we are causing G-d to suffer; we are needlessly pushing G-d away
• A Talmud scholar should not walk more than four cubits with an upright or arrogant posture, for we demonstrate that G-d is in charge of this world, not us
• Similarly, men should not walk more than four cubits without their heads covered in deference to G-d's Omnipresence.  As Rav Huna said, "The Divine Presence is above my head".
• Rabbi Yehoshua is cruel to a young man asking questions about honouring his widowed mother

Stories are told about the Gentile Dama ben Betina, a wealthy Gentile from Ashkelon.  He was famous, in part, for the many ways in which he honoured his parents.  He gave up huge sums of money to avoid waking his father, for example.  The rabbis wonder: is it more or less laudable for someone to observe the mitzvot when they are not obligated in those mitzvot? After a short argument, the rabbis determine that one who is obligated and then fulfills the mitzvot is rewarded more significantly.  This is because it is difficult to follow commands.  Further, fulfilling a commanded mitzvah brings G-d closer through obedience.  Interesting arguments.

Further points about honouring one's parents:

• It is better to treat one's parents with kindness even when asking them to do difficult work than to treat them disrespectfully while serving them fine food.
• If parents choose to honour their child exorbitantly, a child may acquiesce unless the father is a Torah scholar, in which case the child should refuse that treatment.  This is because a Torah scholar knows that he deserves respect from his son and would be disappointed in his son's behaviour.
• Rabbi Yochanan said that those who did not know their parents (Rabbi Yochanan himself; Abaye) are fortunate, for it is so difficult to fulfil the mitzvah to honour one's parents
• Rav Asi left his mother for Eretz Yisrael when he realized that she was senile.  He asked permission to leave HaAretz to greet her, which was not allowed for priests, when he learned he mother was visiting him.   He was confused by Rabbi Eleazar's answer and when his mother died before reaching him, he wished he had not considered leaving HaAaretz at all.

One honours one's father in his life and in his death.  How?

In his life:

• Goes where his father command him to go
• Tells those he meets that he has done these things in his Father's name (and not his own name)

In his death:

• Rather than saying, "so said Father," he should say, "so said Father, my teacher, may I be an atonement for his resting soul"
• This should be said for twelve months following his father's death
• After that time he should say, "May his memory be a blessing for the life of the World-to-Come"
• One cannot call one's parents by their first names - ever.
• In lectures, one can refer to "my father, my teacher"
• Disseminators are permitted to use the first names of their teachers.

Finally, the Gemara considers differences between fear and honour.

• Fear: One cannot sit or stand in one's father's place, contradict him, or take sides when his father argues, which would either go against one's father directly or would 'validate' one's father's argument, which is disrespectful.

• Honour: One gives one's father food and drink, dresses and covers him, brings him in and takes him out for all household needs.

My take away points:

• Mothers get a bad deal
• Fathers get a great deal
• Honouring one's parent has always been incredibly challenging