Yevamot II 109: Refusal in Context; What We Should Cling to and What We Should Avoid

When a minor girl is married off by her mother or brothers and she refuses her husband, she is considered to be an orphan.  She is no longer of her father's home nor is she provided for by her ex-husband.  In fact, because minor girls marrying and refusing is a rabbinic concept, it is subject to much debate.  Does the girl who has refused and then remarried that husband partake in yibum if that husband dies?  Does that change if she is still a minor at that time?  What if her sister is married to her husband's brother?  

Each questioned is examined with the community in mind.  Will people know that the girl who refused has remarried?  Will they think that she married a forbidden relative if she participates in yibum after that remarriage?  The rabbis note that people speak about divorce more than they speak about marriage.  It is possible that people would only know about a refusal, a chalitza, or a divorce, but not about a marriage or remarriage.  Interesting commentaries on human nature, particularly for a community that forbids lashon hara.

In amud (b) the rabbis consider three things that one should cling to and three things that one should avoid according to Bar Kappara.  One should cling to:

• chalitza - if one participates in yibum because he finds his yevama attractive, etc., he should not marry her.  It is only for fulfilling the mitzva of yibum that one should marry his yevama.  Thus chalitza is a good option.
• bringing about peace - Psalms 34:15 teaches us to seek peace and pursue it.  
• nullification of vows - Rabbi Natan teaches that making a vow is like building a personal altar; fulfilling the vow is like sacrificing on that altar - a double sin.  Instead, vows should be nullified by others.

One should distance oneself from:

• refusal - in case the minor girl grows up and regrets her decision
• accepting deposits - where the owner lives in the same city; the owner could enter the bailee's home at any time, take the money, and then sue for that same money 'lost'
• serving as a guarantor - Regarding Sheltziyon guarantees where payment can be demanded before the borrower has defaulted on the loan; from Proverbs 11:15 which also warns against evils of accepting converts (with some insulting analogies care of Rabbi Chelbo) and of confounding oneself with Torah.  This means learning for its own pleasure and not for halacha or the mitzvah of Torah learning.   That would be me, according to Rav Pappa.

The daf ends with conversation more directed at the situation at hand: a minor girl who may refuse her husband, remarry him, and become a yevama while she is still a minor.  We learn that betrothal to a minor girl is considered full betrothal when she becomes a woman - if she has not refused her husband by this time.  Betrothal is realized through intercourse.  

While still a minor, she might believe that she has an advantage over him as she has the right of refusal. At the same time, he has an advantage over her as he can divorce her.  Truly, this is the only time that a 'woman's' consent is of such great importance.