Eiruvin 69a, b

After a blogging break for Shavuot, I'm back to sharing my thoughts... and I wish that those thoughts were more enlightened.  I have had more than usual difficulties with the past several dapim.  After struggling for some time, I am understanding slightly more about what I do not know.  

First, I do not know many of the basic concepts that create the need for eiruvin.  I am not clear how the one or two Torah laws (that have been shared up to this point) can justify so much attention to the notion of boundaries on Shabbat.  I am not understanding many of the rules around carrying, including how vessels are different from other objects (and on that note, I don't understand whether a zav/a ever truly existed, but I digress).  I do not understand why courtyards are different from alleyways when they are both open to the public as shared spaces.  And so it is obvious that I do not understand how and why different markers can reinvent those spaces.  

And to today's daf -- I do not understand how the renunciation of one's home in a shared courtyard can lead to such extreme outcomes.  Today the rabbis look at a number of related issues.  One of the more interesting side-points regards apostasy.  The rabbis discuss what makes an apostate (someone who rejects the law).  They are concerned about whether one's transgressions are done in private or in public.  They consider the intention of the transgressor and the specific laws transgressed.   Transgressors, poshim, are those who reject Torah law with intention, whether all of the Torah or just one law.  I am certain that there are numerous, detailed conversations about these definitions in other parts of the Talmud.  Another set of concepts that I do not yet know.

According to what I read today, I would be considered an apostate: I transgress some of the laws of Shabbat.  I do not actively worship idols, but I do check my computer frequently and participate in many of the other activities of modern society that are comparable to idol worship.  Some of my transgressions are even done in public.  

But it is interesting to me that I am careful about my appearance with regard to Shabbat laws.  If my head is covered for Shabbat, and I am likely wearing the uniform of the observant woman - long sleeves, long skirt, higher neckline - I will not enter a store on Shabbat.  I will not press the "walk" button at the corner, or participate in any other prohibited act.  Whether or not I feel compelled to keep those laws as part of my own practice, someone might see my prohibited actions.  But who cares what I do, particularly if I am not believing that G-d will 'care' how I observe?  

I believe, for better or for worse, that my actions reflect on people's understanding of what it means to be Jewish.  When I am identifiable as a Jew, I am extra careful to reflect an orthodox standard of halacha.  I would not want to make life more difficult for an orthodox woman who might otherwise be faced with the question, "But I saw another Jewish woman buying ice cream.  Why can't you?"  Even though my own answer to that question would be simple: "There are many ways to practice Judaism," I feel accountable for the part of the Jewish community that does not feel that they have a choice in how to practice.  And yet I am an apostate.

Perhaps this only makes sense in my head... but I was fascinated by the inclusion of these ideas (even as side notes) in today's daf.