Nedarim 20: The consequences of sexual acts

Today we are taken on an interesting path off to the side.

Before getting into the very interesting material learned in today's daf, a comment.  Although there are places in the Talmud where we learn about women's agency, women's sexual preferences and women's lives, today's daf is not one of those places.  These rabbis argue about what is safe, halachic, and even Torah-derived sexual behaviour between a man and his wife.  While there is some mention made of women's complaints about their husbands sexual preferences, those complaints are met with something along the lines of "You are his property, so it's his right to do what he wants with you. Put up with it."  The zinger is that there are consequences attached to the children, not to the parents, if the parents have intercourse in different ways.

There is no way around it - in this daf, we read that men see women's bodies as simultaneously alluring and repulsive; holy and dangerous; all-powerful and meant to be dominated.  Take a deep breath.... the discussion, though intense, begins slowly.

Highlights:
If a vow is taken with certain understandings, that vow might be invalid and thus not needing a halachic authority to dissolve it

• We should not vow frequently for we might learn to take vows lightly - which might lead to taking oaths lightly, which is more serious
• We must not spend time around an ignoramus, for they will lead us to transgress halachot
• We must not talk too much with women, for that leads to adultery
• "Women's heels" is a euphemism for women's genitals (because our heels are opposite our genitals when we are crouching down)
• Men should not look or stare at "women's heels" as it leads to adultery
• Shame can be seen on our faces - shame leads to a fear of sin

• Rabbi Yochanan ben Dehavai: Ministering angels taught me four things:
• lameness: fathers overturned their tables
• muteness: fathers kissed "that place"
• deafness: parents conversed during intercourse
• blindness: fathers stared at that place
• Imma Shalom, wife of Rabbi Eliezer ben Hyraanus, explained why her children were so beautiful:
• my husband converses with me only at midnight (they speak during sexual intercourse but only in full darkness, though he could have a candle lit as a scholar)
• at that time he reveals only one handbreadth and covers a handbreadth (many opinions on what this means)
• he is as if he were coerced by a demon (he covers himself up as though in fear?)
• Imma Shalom asked her husband the meaning of this
• He responded: so that I do not set eyes on another woman (if he thinks of another woman during intercourse, the children will be close to mamzerim)

• Rabbi Yochanan disagrees with Rabbi Yochanan bar Dehavai:
• men can do whatever he wishes to to with his wife
• men can eat meat from the butcher with salt, roasted, cooked, boiled...
• who were these ministering angels and how were they recognizable?
• if their clothing was distinct, perhaps they were Torah scholars whose clothing is distinct
• Rav and Rabbi Yehuda HaNasi both ruled against women who came to court claiming that they set their tables but their husbands turned them over (whether this refers to a sexual position or to anal intercourse, the man is able to have intercourse the way he likes)
• A man cannot think of one woman while having intercourse with another, even if they are both his wives

• There are nine types of children produced from their parents' states while having intercourse:
• eima-childre of a woman in fear of her husband (whether coerced or raped)
• anusa-children of women who were raped
• senua- children of a hated woman
• nidui- children who had one parent ostracized by the court
• temura-children of men who substituted thoughts of another woman during intercourse
• meriva-children of strife (from parents arguing during intercourse)
• shikhrut-children of drunkenness
• gerushat halev- children of a couple who already decided to divorce
• irbuveya-children of mixture, where the husband did not know which woman he was with
• chatzufa-children of a shameless woman who demanded that her husband have intercourse with her
• The rabbis argue that righteous women do suggest that her husband have intercourse with her, but in the subtler manner mastered by our foremother Leah, "You must come in to me; for I have hired you with my son's mandrakes" (Genesis 30:16)
• Women who entice their husband to have intercourse have excellent children

Our daf ends with a new Mishna that begins Perek III.  We learn that the Sages dissolved four types of vows without requiring a halachic authority to be involved.

• vows of exhortation
• vows of exaggeration
• vows that are unintentional
• vows that cannot be kept due to circumstances beyond one's control

So I've been thinking about this daf since yesterday and I have one more idea to add.

First we learn that men are only supposed to have intercourse with their wives in very specific ways.  Women's preferences are not considered.

This is challenged, not based on the fact that people are supposed to enjoy sexual pleasure.  Instead, the challenge is that men are supposed to be able to do whatever they wish with their property, just like they can eat meat that they have purchased from the butcher in any way that they please.  Again, women's preferences are not considered.

Neither of these two approaches to permitted sexual practices enhances women's pleasure - unless, of course, an individual man finds his greatest pleasure in pleasing his wife.